


Doll Buisness

by Marinella



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, M/M, possessed doll
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-07-22 21:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7454677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marinella/pseuds/Marinella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Kenny is pretty disgusting, Stan's a perfect guy, people think Kyle is going crazy, and Cartman is a possessed doll.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kenny is disgusting

Chapter 1  
"Your basement is pretty cool," Kenny tapped the flickering lightbulb on the ceiling, "Dark, but cool."  
Kyle rolled his eyes as he sat on a chair in the corner, "I can't control the whether, Kenny. Believe me if I could, I'd make it summer everyday." He stared at his wet jeans and attempted to rub the water away. It didn't work.  
"Nah, man, it's cool." Kenny shrugged, "But, uh, wouldn't it be better to actually go inside your house and kick back and watch some tv."  
"You know how my mom is." Kyle hunched forward and rested his elbows on his knees, "My mom wants the house to be spotless. She's a neat freak." It was fairly true, of course Kyle's mom wanted the house to be clean but mainly, she didn't approve of Kenny's odor.  
"Damn." Kenny exhaled as he shoved his hands on the pockets of his hoodie, he froze, and slowly pulled out his hand from his pocket, revealing a light orange stretched out condom.  
"Ugh, sick man!" Kyle exclaimed as he fidgeted from his seat.  
Kenny laughed, "oh Kyleeeeee, it's the big snake monster!" He wiggled the condom and shook it front of Kyle.  
Kyle jumped from his seat, "Stay away from me with that." He said as he backed away.  
Kenny laughed, and in that very moment, Kyle ran from him as he chased him.  
"Kenny, stop I'm seri-" Kyle crashed into the wall and fell back. He groaned.  
"Dude, check it out."  
Kyle saw Kennys feet move away from him as he dropped the condom on Kyle's nose, Kyle quickly shook off the condom. "You're fucking disgusting."  
Kenny ignored him as he inspected the wall. "Wow man you really busted the wall."  
Kyle sat up and looked at the wall, big chunks of the wall had fallen off and Kyle noticed that at the corner of the wall, was something brown poking out. "What's that?" Kyle asked as he pointed at the brown object.  
"I don't know, man, this is your basement."  
Kyle rolled his eyes and got up from the floor, "I've never seen that before."  
"Let's find out what it is." Kenny said, and without hesitation, he pulled off another chunk of the wall, bringing the brown object in view.  
"Cmon man, don't destroy my wall."  
Kenny pulled off the brown object, revealing it to be box. On the front of the box it said in big bold black letters "HAZARD:DO NOT OPEN"  
"What could it be?" Kyle said as he traced his fingers on the box. It's texture was rough and it looked as if it were hand made.  
Kenny shrugged. "Maybe it's a bomb."  
Kyle tilted his head at him and squinted at him.  
"It says we can't open it so it might as well be a bomb."  
"Kyle sighed, "Well it says it's not supposed to be open so-"  
Kenny ripped open the lid.  
"Kenny!"  
Kenny glanced at him with a smirk, "All I heard was blah blab blah open." He grabbed whatever was in the box and pulled it in view. To their surprise it was a rag doll, a chubby one to. With a red coat and black buttons, a blue and yellow hat pulled over his brown hair, loose brown and black shoes. The doll wasn't smiling, his mouth was in a straight line and his dark little beady eyes was painted a dark shade of brown.  
"Is this some fucking joke?" Kenny shook the doll. "Maybe there's a bomb inside." He squeezed the plush toy, but nothing.  
Kyle laughed, "Dude, oh my god." He wiped the tears away from the corner of his eyes. "Your face, oh my god."  
"Did you put the doll in the box?"  
"No, but I wish I did." Kyle laughed.  
"Can we please go to your room?"  
Kyle nodded, "Sure my mom prolly went to the store by now." He followed Kenny up the stairs, he still held the small doll in his fist.  
~  
"It getting late." Kyle said as he glanced at his window.  
Kenny was laying on his bed while the doll was left abandoned below Kyle's desk. "So?"  
"So, shouldn't you go home?"  
"Nah."  
"Dude, go home."  
Kenny faked a gasp, "Are you kicking me out?"  
"Yes. Get the fuck out my house." Kyle said as he scribbled the answer for x on his worksheet.  
"Token's gon have a party in a few hours. Wanna come with me?" Kenny glanced at Kyle, "You could be my date."  
"I'd rather go with a trash can."  
Kenny rolled his eyes and rolled out of bed, "Fuck you, man." He said. He glanced at the door and then at Kyle, "Show me out?"  
Kyle exaggerated a groan.  
"Dick."  
Kyle chuckled as he stood out from his desk and walked with Kenny out his door. "See ya, tomorrow."  
"You gon go to the movies with Bebe and I?"  
Kyle shrugged, "I'm not going to do anything tomorrow. So, might as well."  
"I'll set you up on a date, man."  
Kyle gave Kenny an apathetic look, "I'm dating Stan."  
Kenny rolled his eyes, "Call me when y'all break up." He said before leaving.  
Kyle shut the door behind him, and then began walking up the stairs to his room. His stomach plummeted at the sight of the doll being propped onto the white pillows, a smirk plastered onto his face.


	2. No sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle is freaked out and attempts to call Kenny

Kyle's breath sharpened, wasn't the doll on the floor!? Kyle shut his eyes tightly, He did not move. He did not move. Kyle chanted to himself, quietly. When his eyes fluttered open, the doll's borderline smile has reappeared and he laid on a pillow instead of being propped into one.  
Kyle rubbed his head, he should probably stop with the late night video games and reading binges. The fantasy in both is really affecting his mind and wellbeing. Kyle glanced at the clock. _10:25 pm_ , it read. Kyle walked over to his bed and gently picked up the doll and laid it down on top of the black alarm clock. Kyle climbed into bed and pulled open the covers and tucked himself in, he took one glance at the doll before closing his eyes.  
**********  
            _Creek Creek_

Kyle turned in his bed.

_Creek Creek_

Kyle squinted at the alarm clock, _3:18 am_. He rubbed his eyes, He searched the room for the making of the sound when he spotted the door, it was creaking open. He would've thought it was the wind that was moving it ever so gently until he noticed that the doll wasn't in its place.  
Kyle slowly sat on his bed, all while looking at the door. And that's when he saw it, the doll, the little fatass, was slowly moving the door open. Kyle's eyes widened and he gasped, as soon as his gasp filled the rooms' silence, the doll fell lifelessly on to the floor.  
He sat there, staring at the doll. _Holy Shit, this thing is alive._ Kyle reached for his phone, he clicked the home button numerous times but the screen remained black.  
He needed to call Kenny.  
Kyle jumped off the bed and ran to the door, opening it wide enough for the doll to be pushed out of the way. Kyle ran to his living room and grabbed the white home phone, he skimmed through the book of contacts, sitting near the phone, and spotted Kenny's contact. He furiously typed the numbers on the pad and walked away from the phone pad. It started ringing, _I know you're up_.  
"Hello?" Answered the phone.  
"Kenny!" Kyle couldn't help but feel relieved at hearing the sound of his friend.  
"Not so loud, my folks are asleep."  
"Yea sure, whatever." Kyle took a deep breath, "I have to tell you something." He said in one breath.  
"Yea?"  
"Remember the doll we found in the base-" the phone suddenly died.  
Kyle stared at the phone in disbelief, that's when he saw the wire dangling from the phone. Kyle's breath quickened and he turned around,slowly, and saw the sight of the doll with large scissors from Kyle's father next to him.  
Kyle's heart quickened.  
"Kyle?"  
Kyle turned away from the doll to see his 5 year old little brother staring up at him with those big beautiful dark brown Canadian eyes. "Ike! It's late what are you doing up?"  
"Can't sleep." He mumbled, he pointed a finger at the dangling wire, "wiiiirrrre?" he stretched out the word.  
"Science project." Kyle said, in one short breath.  
Ike continued to stare at him until he spotted the doll, "Dolllllyyyyy." He said as he walked to the doll and snatched it up from the table. He inspected the doll, lifting its arms up and slowly turning the doll around. He looked up at Kyle with curious eyes.  
Kyle quickly glanced at the doll and then at Ike, "Stan gave it to me." He snatched the doll away from Ike, "It's... Really important to me."  
Ike smiled politely at Kyle.  
"Now go to bed, Maple Syrup." Kyle tickled Ike's waist.  
Ike giggled, "Nighty Night." He said in a hush voice as he walked away from Kyle and back to his room.  
Kyle sighed in relief and stared at the doll in his hand. "What am I going to do with you?" He wondered out loud before bringing the doll up to his room, locking the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys catch the reference?


	3. Wink Wink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ike is involved. Slightly.

Kyle sat on his bed, he rested the doll on his leg. This doll...it could be the death of him. But if the doll wanted to kill him it would've done it already. It could've stabbed Kyle with those sharp scissors but it didn't. All it did was cut the phone wire. He lightly stroked the dolls' cheek with his thumb, it's eyes stared at Kyle and he looked as if he wanted to say something. But he didn't say a word.  
Kyle looked at the clock, 3:50 am. He sighed and lightly rested the doll on the pillow next to him. He turned to his side and faced the doll. He stared at him until his eyes got droopy and his whole body was relaxed.  
***  
Kyle blinked at his ceiling fan, he forgot to turn it on and was awaken by the extreme heat. He looked at the place he left the doll, empty, if that weren't a surprise. But the most surprising thing he witnessed was that the doll was at the foot of the bed trying to fit into a small rusty airplane that Ike had found in the basement.   
Kyle grinned at the sight of the little fatass, "I can see you, ya know."   
The doll froze up, before falling back into bed.   
He sat up and gently picked the doll up, he stared at his eyes before speaking. "Don't be afraid of me." He said, as softly as he could. "I won't hurt you, I already know that you're alive. You can't fool me."  
The doll still laid motionless.  
"At least," Kyle sighed, "At least give me the smallest motion of action." He waited for the doll to respond. But nothing. And just as he was going to lay the doll on the pillow next to him, the doll winked.   
Kyle's grin reached his ears.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle gets a really bad cut

' _You still chillin with us or nah?'_   
Kyle froze as he saw that message, he was supposed to be going with Bebe and Kenny to the movie theaters today, but he certainly didn't have time to spend with Kenny after the wink from the doll. Not to mention that he was in no mood to play the act of a third wheel.  
' _Can't. Brother got the flu._ " Kyle typed as he shut off his phone and rested it on his desk.   
His door opened slowly, revealing his dishelved younger brother.  
"Jesus, you look horrible." Kyle said as he jumped off of the bed. "You sick or something?" He walked over to Ike and placed his hand on Ike's forehead, perfect temperature.   
"4 words." Ike said as he rubbed his tiresome eyes, "Mom. Dad. Wrestling. Bed."  
Kyle furrowed his eyebrows, "wrestl- _oh_." Kyle's cheeks flushed, he was certainly lucky he'd pick the bedroom farther from their parents home and closer to the bathroom. And especially lucky he didn't have to hear any of their role play nights.  
Ike nodded, he walked over to Kyle's bed and collapsed on to it. A few seconds later he lifted up his chest and pulled out the rag doll, he held it in his hands as his eyes wondered over it. "You said Stan made this for you, right?"  
"Yea." Kyle walked over to his bookcase and pulled out a book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Kenny had recommended it to him, sure he wasn't a big reader- scratch that, Kenny didn't read at all. But he did pick the book up to read to his younger sister, Karen. Karen picked it out and wanted to be read to.   
"It looks pretty old..."  
"It is." Kyle said, all too quickly. "His family's ancient favorite toy....to be exact."  
Ike scrunched his face up, he suddenly smiled and looked at Kyle. "Would you mind if I...play with it?" His voice was small and soft.  
Kyle looked between the doll and his brother. He didn't know whether he should let Ike play with it, or snatch it away from his hand. He crossed his arms behind his back. " Sure... You should play outside though, for fresh air and what not."  
"It's not like we don't have air inside." Ike mumbled.  
Kyle rolled his eyes at the comment, "Take a shower and brush your teeth."   
Ike laid his head on Kyle's pillow, "Can I stay here for a few more minutes?" He spoke into the pillow, his words muffled.  
"Sure."

~~~~  
Kyle sat on the stairs from outside and read his book, every few paragraphs he would glance at Ike, who had shoved the doll in a Barbie car and pretend drove it.   
He couldn't help but smile at the innocent sight of his baby brother playing with dolls and having the best time of his imaginations.  
Ike lifted the doll up from the car, "Time to go to the sky, dolly!" He said as he held the doll in his hand and steered him through the sky, while one hand was holding the dolly, his other was on the ground. He gave a sharp cry and abandoned the doll on the ground  
Kyle putted his book down, "What happened?" He asked as Ike started walking towards him.   
"Look." Ike showed Kyle his small hand, sticking out of it was a small shard of glass.  
Kyle held Ike's hand upwards while he used his other to take off the small glass shard. He heard Ike gasp, "It was just a small-"  
"No, look." Ike pointed to across the street, where a dog, A Tosa Inu, was running at full speed towards them. And that's when Kyle saw it, the dog's eyes and saw that it rested on the doll. Kyle ran towards the doll, he did what those baseball players did in the process. You know when they run towards the base and extend their foot and land on their ass. That's exactly what Kyle did.   
He snatched the doll up in one hand and placed it behind his back as the dog was inches away from him, he exposed his forearm to the dog, this has caused the dog to bite into Kyle's slim forearm.   
Kyle screamed in pain and shut his eyes as hard and tight as he can.   
Then, something was played through the air, the dog fell to the ground howling and wailing.   
A man emerged from the same house as the dog had escaped with a chain in his hand and the other holding a dog whistle while blowing into it. He kept blowing it until he walked calmly to Kyle and Ike and had tied the chain on to the dogs neck. "My apologies." He started, " I was just in my backyard when-"  
"It doesn't matter." Kyle said simply as he turned his back from him, the only sound he heard was Ike's questioning on his wellbeing and the dogs loud obnoxious barks.  
****  
Kyle opened up the emergency kit, the doll was left on his desk and he was sitting on the floor right now ready to bandage the fresh wound.  
He extended his arm and let his other start wrapping the medical tape around the wound.  
"Are you seriously not going to use alcohol?"  
Kyle froze. His ears perked up and he slowly turned to the doll, he was pressed up against Kyle's lamp and was tapping his small doll hand on his leg. He was looking straight at Kyle.  
Kyle tried to calm his beating heart, "Alcohol stings like hell."   
The doll rolled it's eyes, "that just means it's working. Its meant to clean the wound and take out the bacteria."  
He looked down at his tape and sighed, he removed it and searched the medical box for the alcohol and cotton. "Don't have alcohol."   
"How-Never mind, help me down." He extended his arms at Kyle and folded and unfolded his hands.   
Kyle scrunched up his face at the doll, "You can run from my room to the living in a blink of an eye, you can use scissors to cut the wire from my home phone, but you can't get off a desk?"  
The doll lowered his eyes at Kyle and sighed, he jumped off the desk and landed on his face."  
Kyle quickly got on his feet and turned over the doll to its back. "You okay?"  
"Yeah." The doll grunted, he held onto Kyle's finger and got on his feet. "You don't even know how high you desk is."  
"My desk isn't high. You're just short."   
The doll struck a glare at him, "I'm not short. We're almost the same height."  
Kyle laughed, "Dude, you're only a few inches taller than my ankle."  
"Shut up, you stupid Jew."  
"How'd you know I was Jewish?"  
"You're dad came in here while you were sleeping to collect the laundry." The doll patted his hat, "He wore a Jewish hat."  
"A kippa." Kyle corrected. "Anyways, what's your name?"  
"Eric, but you could call me Cartman."   
"I think I like the name fatass better"   
Cartman punched Kyle's leg, "Shut the fuck up, Jew."  
"It's Kyle."   
Cartman squinted at Kyle, "Kyle? That's a white name."  
"I am white."  
"No, you're Jewish. You can't be white _and_ Jewish."  
Kyle shook his head, "You're retarded."   
"You can hate all you want, we both know I'm better than you."   
"You're a _doll_ and I'm a human." Kyle pointed out.  
"Just get me a fucking lemon for your cut."


	5. 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little history on the famous number, 31

"So," Kyle watched as Cartman started cutting the lemon in half, "How are you alive?"  
"Why you wanna know? Want in on the doll biz?"   
Kyle raised his eyebrow, "Just curious, ya know?" Kyle thought for a second, "Do all toys come alive? Like toy story?"  
"If all toys came alive, they would've been locked away like me." Cartman rested the lemon on Kyle's cut, causing Kyle to suck his teeth in pain. "Relax, it's working."  
"Why were you locked away?"  
"Same reason why I'm a goddamn doll." He moved the lemon in circular motions on the cut.  
Kyle winced at the pain, "Well, why are you a doll?"  
"I did something stupid that I won't ever regret."   
"Like....?"  
"It's a long story."  
"I've got time."  
Cartman looked at Kyle and gave him a sly smile before looking back down at his cut. "Alright I'll tell you. Just.. Uh... What year is it?"  
"2016."  
Cartman's eyes widened as he dropped the lemon on the ground.   
Kyle tilted his head, "Dude, are you okay?"  
"31." He said.  
"What?"  
"I've been trapped in that stupid fucking box for 31 years."  
Kyle looked at Cartman, "Dude, I'm so sorr-"  
"Do I look like an old man?"  
"What?"  
"Tell me the truth, do I look like an 50 year old man?"  
"You're not at all worried about the people you had to leave behind."  
"I had only one person I could truly ever trust and she fucked everything up for me."  
Kyle looked intrigued, his eyes wide and full with wonder.  
Cartman sighed. He removed the lemon and started bandaging up the wound. "This stupid ginger, by the name of Scott Tenorman, ripped me off, and I had had enough. So I staged a murder of his parents and cooked gem up into chili and fed it to him. Since then the FBI were doing everything in their power to find me as well as my mom." He looked around the room, "This used to be my room." He looked at Kyle, "And now it's yours."  
"Why were they trying to find your mom?"  
"She was a witch-"  
"A sorceress?" Kyle leaned forward  
"No a fucking bitchy witch." He said, "And they knew my mom could use her witchy powers or some shit to hide me."  
"Wait so if your mom had powers, don't you?"  
Cartman Stared at Kyle.  
"Well...?"  
Cartman picked up the lemon and held it in one hand, "The only shit I can do is this." Suddenly, his hand disappeared and the lemon stood in the air. He swore he saw Kyle's eyes sparkle. His hand reappeared and he dropped the lemon. "Pretty useless, I know."  
"I think it's pretty cool."  
"Continue the story."   
"I guess my mom had enough of hiding so she trapped me as -he gestured at himself- this, and locked me in a box and trapped me inside the wall covering."  
"Wow."   
Cartman got up and brushed himself off.  
"But wait what about that girl you were talking about?"  
"That's a story for another time."


	6. Stan vs Cartman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stan is a perfect guy but Cartman thinks he's a try hard

The small red ball bounced between Cartman's hands, in his perspective, the ball was as big as a basket ball. His eyes were glued on Kyle as he searched his closet, shirtless. Cartman studied every detail of Kyle's chest, small pink nipples that looked as if they were blushing, a handful of red chest hair sprouting out in a curly mess, he was sure they were bound to get tangled together. A petite yet lean build, when his arms are flexed, he could see the muscle sprouting. It was hidden every time he rested his arms.  
He was an innie and Cartman noticed small red hair trails from his stomach to-  
"Have you seen my black shirt?" He knocked Cartman out of his trance.  
"Huh?"  
"Black shirt," Kyle opened his closet door for the hundredth time that day, "I can't remember where I put it."  
"Why would you wear a shirt?"  
Kyle froze and slowly stared at Cartman with a goofish smile.  
"No, wait- I meant it differently." Thank god Cartman couldn't blush, "I swear I don't like you- I mean, I do like you but as a friend or some shit, I meant it in a-"  
Kyle laughed, " I know what you're trying to say, I always wear my orange sweater so there's no need to wear a shirt."  
"Yea." Cartman sighed in relief, the last thing he'd want is for Kyle to think he was gay or having the hots for him.  
"I just bought a black shirt and want to show it off to Stan."  
"Stan?" Cartman tilted his head in confusion.  
"Yea, shit I forgot to tell you." Kyle grabbed his orange sweater that was hanging on his hook and put it on, nothing underneath. "He's my boyfriend."  
Cartman raised his eyebrows, "You're a fag?"  
Kyle winced.  
"A Jew and a fag, that's an unusual mix."  
"Fat and bigoted, copying Archie Bunker, I see."  
"Who's Archie-"  
The doorbell rang, Kyle announced he was going to open it before dissapearing. He returned to his room with a ravenette. And, as usual, Cartman sat on his desk, lifeless.  
"We should get started on our Algebra homework." Kyle said as he gently moved Cartman away from his bin of pencils, pens, and scissors.  
Stan laid on Kyle's Terrance and Phillip bedspread, "Dude, cmon, it's Sunday."  
"Exactly, I know damn well you're gonna be begging for the answers Monday morning."  
Stan laughed, "You know me so well."  
"Jesus, it's hot." Kyle started taking off his hoodie until he realized he had no shirt underneath. He froze as Stan stared at his naked stomach, Cartman used his strength to stay lifeless instead of knocking Stans teeth in.  
"Woah." Stan smiled, it was one of those smiles that made Stan look goofy but cute at the same time, the smile that would remind Kyle why he loved him. The smile that caused killer moths to start attacking Kyle's organs. They were never just harmless butterflies.  
Kyle rolled his eyes, trying to look like he didn't care but his blush betrayed him. He took off his hoodie. "It's not like we've never seen each other shirtless before."  
"True, but you're still a virgin."  
Kyle wrapped his hands around Stan's jaw, "Call it, saving myself." He slowly connected his lips with Stan, Stan didn't spend any more seconds to wrap both hands on Kyle's petite waist and began moving Kyle on top of him. His hands roamed Kyle's back, reaching lower and lower to grab the goods.  
Stan felt himself get a little too excited, and knew that Kyle felt it too by the way he gasped. Stan grinned and flipped him over, he smiled reassuringly at Kyle as he straddled his waist. He leaned down and began placing soft kisses on Kyle's neck, down to his collarbone.  
Cartman's eyes widened at the sight of them, he searched the desk, he could throw pencils at Stan, but he doubts that would stop him. He could throw scissors; but scissors were heavy as fuck and probably wouldn't make it that far. That's when he spot it; a small radio on Kyle's desk. He walked over to it and glanced at the pair, Stan was trailing his hands down Kyle's stomach.  
Cartman pressed the CD option  
_No CD inserted_  
He turned the radio to its max, and then pr _essed FM_  
_Please don't make any sudden moves. You don't know the half of the abuse._ The radio sang  
The sounds ringed and buzzed through Cartman's ears, he smirked as he saw Stan fall off Kyle's waist from surprisement.  
"What the fuck?" Stan grumbled as he shuffled to his feet.  
Kyle glanced at the smirking doll before he turned lifeless. "Sorry, man." He said he got up and pulled up his pants and picked up the doll and turned off the radio. "Busted radio." He mumbled as he sat in his chair, holding Cartman on his lap, he twisted Cartman's brown locks on one finger.  
"It's cool." He stretched and collapsed on the bed, "Universe got an awesome way to cockblock." He smiled at Kyle.  
"Yea." Kyle trailed as he looked down at the doll, he picked it up and turned it to him and pressed it on his stomach and looked down at him.  
Cartman glared at Kyle, while clutching his soft white skin. Kyle smiled.  
"Who gave you that doll?" Stan asked, he lifted himself upright, stomach laying on the bed.  
"Found it." Kyle opened his drawer and shuffled in it before finding the old braces elastic he wore every night. He picked two up and started tying Cartman's hair into pigtails. "He's cute, right?" He turned to show Stan his final creation, a doll with beady eyes that glared at Stan while having harmless messy pigtails.  
"Sureeee." Stan said, he rolled his eyes. He looked down at his phone then back at Kyle, "Gotta go, man. Supposed to pick Shelly up from work."  
"Why can't she just drive home?"  
"Got caught being with a 40 year old guy so my parents took her car away."  
Kyle grimaced, "Gross."  
Stan chuckled before getting up and placing a kiss on Kyle's cheek, he ruffled his hair before leaving the room.  
Cartman looked up at Kyle.  
Kyle looked down at Cartman, "What?"  
"Dude, I'm 50 years old and you said I was cute."  
"You also claim that I'm a fag but here you are, getting jealous of Stan."


	7. Mommy Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fake Puke and flashbacks

Kyle awoke to the soft patting on his left cheek, "what?" He groaned and turned away.  
"Let's watch tv." Cartman said as he laid behind Kyle's neck. He traced the neck hair with his small fingers, small clips from yesterday flashed through his mind. The way Stan had traced his finger on Kyle's stomach, and Kyle never stopped him. Kyle actually enjoyed it. Cartman had sex before but he never enjoyed it like Kyle did. He wondered, What did Stan do to make Kyle feel those things?  
"Dude, no." Kyle picked Cartman up by his stomach. He laid him by his stomach on his chest. He twirled Cartman's pigtails, "I see you didn't take the pigtails off."  
"Yea yea, fuck you." He began ripping off the elastics.  
"Aww, you suck."  
Cartman pouted, "Tv."  
Kyle closed his eyes, "it's 4 am and I have school tomorrow."  
"Not if you're sick." Cartman grabbed a pencil from Kyle's desk, and shoved half of it down Kyle's throat.  
Kyle stared at Cartman, his eyebrows were furrowed.  
Cartman would've broken a sweat if he was human, he pushed it in deeper, until the pink earaser stuck out. No reaction. Cartman stared into Kyle's emerald green eyes, "You're supposed to throw up." He mumbled.  
Kyle reached for the earaser and pulled out the pencil, "No gag reflexes."  
Cartman stared at Kyle for a minute before declaring, "Everything you say is gay."  
Kyle rolled his eyes, "I'm going to school tomorrow and that's final." He dropped Cartman on the floor and went back to sleep.  
"You fucking Jew." Cartman mumbled as he got up and left the room and into the kitchen. "He needs to puke." Cartman said as he walked in circles on the kitchen floor, "But that fag doesn't have gag reflexes, so what could I do?" He rubbed his temples, trying to fix his non existent headache. An idea flashed through his mind. " I could make puke!" He exclaimed, "A lot of oatmeal, some ketchup and mustard, and it would be perfect!" He looked up as to smile at the sky, even though he was inside, and saw a little black haired boy standing in the doorway. Blue onsies and blanket clutched in his arm, he stared at Cartman with wide eyes.  
Shit.shit.shit.shit  
The little boy screamed, "Mommy!" He ran away in a blink of an eye.  
"Damn, what a pussy." Cartman said before starting his creation. He climbed onto the counter and grabbed the small pot that was next to the sink. He brought it to the stove and climbed the counter. He smiled, there was maple oatmeal. A close to perfect shade of vomit. He dumped it all in the pot. He saw a closed ketchup in the counter and he immediately ripped off the lid and splattered it all in the pot. "Now the mustard." There wasn't any mustard in the counter and he wasn't about to look in the fridge. It was high enough as it was. So he grabbed a spoon and climbed onto to the pot holder and began stirring.

  
_Eric grabbed the phone book from the closet and dropped it on the floor, in front of the pot. He stepped on it and looked down the pot. It looked beautiful, there was snippets of green and red but mainly just dark purple. It looked as if the whole galaxy was swimming around in this one pot. He wondered if it would taste as good as it looks. He slowly putted his finger in the pot, just inches away from the substance._  
" _Eric!"_  
 _Eric jolted. He hopped off the phone book and ran to his mother's aid. She was sat up in her queen size bed, liquor on one desk, a pack of cigarettes on the next._  
 _"Honey, mommys lighter went out." She said, she reached over him and tried to put the hair behind his ear. "Can you run to the store?"_  
 _"No money."_  
 _Liane chuckled, "You don't need money." She grabbed for a small red bottle in the desk, she gave it to Eric, gently. "Just splash this on the cashier."_  
 _He inspected the bottle, "What does it do?"_  
 _"Go find out."_  
 _Eric walked to the store, the bottle clutched in his small hands. As he walked he kicked a few pebbles._  
 _"Hi,Eric!"_  
 _Eric turned to see a scrawny little redhead run up to him. "I'm busy, Bertha."_  
 _Bertha grinned, " I have a new power!"_  
 _Eric felt his face heat up, this was the third power Bertha had. Eric was still struggling to find out just one. But, as Liane had always said, (and basically every sorceress or sorcerer in South Park) Bertha had 100% sorceress blood, while Eric had 50%. The cons of being half human._  
 _The bottle in Eric hands started floating over to Bertha. He tried to snatch the bottle away but the more he tried, the farther it floated from him.  
"Pretty neat, right?" The potion floated to her hands, "What's this?"  
Eric snatched the potion away from Bertha, "It's none of you god damn business." He marched away from Bertha, he felt his feet leave the ground. He looked down to see his feet did leave the ground. He was in the air and screaming.  
"Stop screaming, crybaby!" Bertha giggled, "I won't drop you~"  
"Put me down!" An in a second he did drop, face first, on to the ground. He sat up, the red bottle was broken and some of the liquid was draped on his hands. He could vividly see his veins pumping. He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked at it again. It was pumping but it was still red and see through. "God fucking damn it, Bertha!"  
"Don't use the lords name in vain." Bertha sang, "It's just juice, don't be so mad." She poked his cheek and skipped away.  
"This bitch." He mumbled. He walked home, fear running through his veins of what Liane would say. His hands shook, his fingertips ice cold.  
"Mom?"  
Liane walked over to him and bended her legs to reach his height, "where's my lighter?"  
"The potion spilled." He showed her his see through veins. "I'm sorry, mom."  
Liane inspected his hands, " I see." She tapped her chin a few times before smiling, "Did you see the purple substance in the pot?"  
Eric nodded, slowly.  
"Did you think it was pretty?"_  
 _Eric nodded, quickly._  
"Would you like to taste it?"  
Eric nodded, he ran over to the pot.  
Liane followed him to the kitchen and grabbed a small spoon, "Hold this." She said as she handed the spoon over to him. She looked through the cabinets and took out a light red colored bottle. She shoved it in her pocket.  
"What's that?"  
"Don't worry about it." She took the spoon away from him, "Spin the liquid."  
Eric slowly turned the substance with the big spoon, it breathed out smokes that his Eric's face, he smiled.  
Liane scooped the liquid with the spoon, "Open up, honey."  
Eric opened his mouth wide, he swallowed the substance. It was delicious, like caramel and pepper mints mixed together.  
Liane sat on the table, "How does it taste?"  
"Sweet." He chirped.  
Liane tilted her head and smiled at the brunette.  
Eric licked his lips, then he felt burning in his organ. He jolted, "Mom, I feel weird." His breathing slowed down, each breath he took seemed painful. He dropped the floor and hugged his stomach. "Mom." He cried out, tears stained his chubby red cheeks. "Help me, Mom, please."  
Liane sat there, "This is what happens when you do mommy wrong." She nodded. "Shh, just calm down."  
He started screaming and collapsed on the floor, "Please! Please, mommy help me!" He began to see everything blurry, the pain in his organs spreading, down to his bones and veins. Dying didn't feel very enjoyable.  
Liane walked over to him and opened his mouth and spilled the light red liquid in his mouth.  
Ambrosia. She gave him ambrosia. Eric knew how it tasted, Liane would always give him a few drops every time he got a really bad and deep cut. His organs felt better, his breathing turned to normal.

  
Cartman wiped the tears away from his eyes, he wasn't even aware he was crying until he saw the drips on the pot. _Fuck you, mom_. Cartman shook his head, he tried to focus on anything else. It was stupid. He spent 31 years not even giving a single thought  about her and the second

He stirs this pot, the flashbacks starts hitting him. He wasn't a bad kid. Well, he wasn't supposed to be a bad kid. It was always Liane, she fucked up his child hood. But then again, he could've turned out different. He could've ran away or atleast try to prove everyone that he wasn't as horrible as his mother. But all he could do, was prove that he wasn't horrible as his mother. He was much worse.  
He jumped off the pot and was about to turn off the stove until the fire burned his foot. He cursed under his breath as he fell off the stove. He walked, limply, to Kyle. "Jew rat."  
Kyle turned, "What, fatass?" He said, groggily.  
"Come to the kitchen." It took a minute for Kyle to get up and wipe the tiredness away from his eyes. "What'd you do, fatass?"  
" I made fake vomit." Cartman was suddenly lifted up by Kyle.  
"You burned yourself." Kyle said as he inspected the burn.  
"It's nothing."  
"Like hell it isn't." He sat Cartman on the table and grabbed frozen peas from the freezer and laid Cartman on his forearm, his good leg dangled off while his other had frozen peas on top of it. He walked over to the pot, "Smells horrible." He said as he turned off the stove.  
"Is it beginning to smell like vomit?"  
Kyle froze, "You can't smell?"  
Cartman shook his head, "Now cmon spill that on your bed and tell your par-"  
"Bubbe?"  
Cartman turned lifeless and Kyle looked at his mom. There were dark bags under her eyes and she held Ike on her hip, his eyes wide open and his mouth slightly open.  
"Yea, mom?"  
"Do you have any exams, tomorrow?"  
"No."  
"Any big projects?"  
"No."  
Sheila sighed, "Bubbe, can you please stay home with Ike tomorrow?"  
"What's wrong, Ike?"  
Ike slowly turned to Kyle and then looked down at Cartman, he bursted into tears and started pulling Sheila's shirt, "He has Kyle, mommy! He has Kyle!"  
"Ike, what is wrong with you!?" She tried consoling him by rubbing his back, but it was useless.  
Kyle placed Cartman and the pack of peas on the table and grabbed Ike, "Ike, I'm okay, see?" He crossed his eyes and stook out his tongue.  
Ike started to calm down, and even let a few giggles out. He reached for Kyle's cheeks and pinched and stretched them. Then he squeezed Kyle's nose, "You sure you're not a minion?"  
"Never."  
"Ike, would you like to sleep with Kyle tonight?" Sheila asked.  
Ike nodded and then smiled at Kyle, he returned the smile.


	8. Warm showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cartman expierences a shower in 31 years.

Kyle sluggishly walked over to the couch as Cartman sat on the couch, trying to hold a black remote control taller than him. Kyle couldn't keep a smile from forming on his lips at the sight of him being this excited. It was rare, unusual even, but in a good way. He sat next to Cartman as Cartman handed him the remote. He turned on the tv, "What are you in the mood for?"  
Cartman shrugged, a flashback of yesterday ran through his mind, "Remember when you said I reminded you of a character from a tv show?"  
Kyle tilted his head until a wave of realization hit him, "Oh, Archie?”  
Cartman's dark little orbs for eyes lit up, “Yea, Can you put him on?”  
He nodded, he turned his gaze to Cartman and smiled, “You're in luck, there's a whole marathon of All in the Family on.”  
Cartman forced his excitement down, he stared at the tv, waiting for Kyle to put it on as he grinned.

Kyle had long tuned out of the show, it wasn't really that funny anymore. But the only thing that kept him glued to the couch was Cartman.  
Cartman sat at the edge of the couch(ignoring Kyle's scolding that he's going to fall down) and laughed at every snide remark Archie made.  
It was amazing seeing Cartman this ecstatic, just from watching a tv show. Kyle didn't know how Cartman was able to make himself look so interesting just by sitting down on the couch. Maybe it was because of the way Cartman's eyes gazed the screen, or the way his lips curled up before laughing. Or maybe it was how Cartman gave an emotion, how he reacted to every single scene. Instead of just laying back on the couch and enjoying the show like any normal person would do, Cartman actually participated. He gasped in his hand, wiped imaginary tears off his cheeks, and the cutest of all, he pretended to eat with the cast. If someone was eating soup, Cartman pretended to scoop up air with an imaginary spoon and fed it to himself.   
He was adorable, and just seeing Cartman like this made Kyle's heart flutter.  
Cartman picked up a soda can, that Kyle had rested on the table, as soon as he picked it up, he lost balance and poured it all over himself.  
Kyle quickly stood up, "Cartman!"  
Cartman pushed the can away from him, it landed on the floor and poured the small remainder on the floor. He touched his shirt, "I'm going to get sticky." He commented, his face scrunched up slightly.  
Kyle shook his head as he grabbed Cartman by his red sweater with one hand, forgetting the usual soft and gentle way he would carry him. "Bath." He said before waking over to his small lime green bathroom, he rested him on the white sill of the sink. He slid Cartman's red sweater off his shoulders.  
Cartman grinned at him, "We're doing the nasty already?"   
Kyle shook his head, a faint blush on his cheeks. He gently rested the sweater behind the faucet, "You're about to have a long shower."  
Cartman groaned, he crossed his arms and glared at Kyle, "I'm not taking a shower." He declared as he stomped his foot.  
Kyle rested his elbows on the sill, his green eyes met Cartman's brown ones. "Would you rather be sticky or sparkly clean?"  
Cartman searched the ceiling with his eyes, "Sticky...or clean?" He mumbled, he scratched his non existent chin, "Sticky...or clean?" He repeated, acting like he was in deep thought.  
Kyle rolled his eyes and swiped the white shirt off Cartman's body.  
"Aye!" He complained, he suddenly paused. "Lift me up to the mirror." He commanded, Kyle grabbed him by the torso and lifted him up to the mirror.  
Cartman gasped, "Oh my god."  
Kyle lowered him to his height, "What?"  
He pursed his lips and eyebrows and gazed at Kyle, he rubbed his chest, "I don't have nipples, man."  
Kyle actually dropped him before bursting out in to a laugh.  
Cartman was dropped into the sink and he failed on climbing out. He huffed, "Dude, get me out of here."   
Kyle shook his head as he swiped a tear from laughter out the corner of his eye. "Nuh uh, dude, you needa take a bath."  
"Do you think if I don't have nipples I don't have a dick?"  
"It couldn't be that much bigger than when you were human."  
"Aye!" he paused and started unbuckling his loose brown pants, when they dropped, along with his underwear, there was nothing between his legs. He gasped, "Dude, oh my god.."  
Kyle rolled his eyes and turned on the two handles of the sink. The sink started filling up with lukewarm water.   
Cartman's hand slapped the water, "This feels weird." He said as the droplets of water hit his face.   
Kyle smiled and grabbed the white dove soap and rinsed it in the water and began rubbing it on a beige washcloth.   
Cartman sat in the sink, his legs formed a V as he began taking off his black shoes and carelessly throwing them on to the air above him. And you can most definitely confirm that based on Newtons laws of physics, the shoes flew down and hit him in the nose.  
Kyle giggled as Cartman pouted at him.  
"Fuck off, Jew."  
Kyle rolled his eyes, a small smile was still resting on his lips as he picked up the black shoes and rested it on Cartman's shirt.  
Cartman looked down at his nude body. There was a visible black stain from his chest down to his torso. He didn't have anything on his body except pale tan skin and arms and legs. He didn't even have a god damn belly button.  
Kyle lightly rinsed the washcloth and rubbed it together, small white bubbles began forming.   
Cartman stared at the washcloth in awe, in more awe than when he had seen All In The Family. He stood up and tried to reach for the washcloth but it was too high. He didn't bother to speak to Kyle as he raised his hands to the washcloth and made grabbing gestures. He huffed in frustration as he got on his tippy toes.  
Kyle glanced down at Cartman, he held back a smile as he lowered the washcloth to Cartman's height.   
Cartman yanked the washcloth out of Kyle's hand and sat in the sink and stared at it as he began squeezing. It was soft, and slightly soggy. But it had a shit ton of bubbles so Cartman began popping them.   
"Fond of bubbles?" Kyle asked as he rested his elbow on the sill of the sink.  
Cartman glanced at Kyle before going back to the bubble popping. "When I was...a...human... I thought this shit was gay as hell."  
"Is it now?"  
Cartman looked up at him and nodded furiously.  
Kyle sighed and rested his chin on his fist, "Get to the point."  
"I had an amazing life." He dropped the washcloth to his feet. "But I was stubborn as hell."   
Kyle's eyebrows raised slightly before returning to their normal posture, he exhaled. "I'll take your life story any day of the week but not right now." He glanced at Cartman's body, "Not when you're naked."  
Cartman exhaled a laugh, "I don't even have a dick."  
Kyle shrugged one shoulder before picking up the washcloth from Cartman, "Stand under the water."  
Cartman stood up and looked at the harsh running water, "It looks like it's gonna hurt."  
"It's not."   
He was about to slip his head under it until Kyle stopped him.  
"Almost forgot," Kyle said as he slipped off the yellow and blue hat from his head. A cowlick of brown hair sprang up the second he removed the hat. Kyle contained his laughter, "And I thought my hair was bad."  
"Fuck you." Cartman said as he stook his head into the water. The water glided off his brown hair, the warm water sent shivers down Cartman's spine. He stepped more closer to the water, his whole body ended up being under the sink. He looked up at the water and he nearly sighed in pleasure as the warm water washed over his face. He raised his small hand up a little, the water bounced off his hand to his face. He winced but continued to let his hand stay like that.  
He could see his hair sticking to his forehead. He was lucky that his hair couldn't grow anymore, he didn't even want to imagine how'd he look with 31 years worth of no cuts.  
Kyle watched him patiently, it was entertaining to see Cartman bask in water. To see him graze over his limbs that had become wet. He felt like he were in a trance, of just watching him. He's been feeling like that a lot lately but it had to be because he was being reminded that Cartman wasn't from....his time. Now that he thought of it, Cartman was probably older than his parents. Cartman didn't even seem like the type to fit into the time period, he felt like Cartman was placed in a wrong time period. Like his faith was messed up and he was supposed to be in the 21st century. This was sure a hell of a way to bring him into the right one.   
He didn't notice Cartman spoke to him until he saw his brown eyes look up at his.  
He was out the water, his brown hair was pushed back and he was blinking at Kyle, as if waiting for an answer.  
"What?" Kyle felt stupid.  
"I'm rinsed." Cartman stated.  
It took a few seconds for Kyle to process it's meaning. He lightly grabbed Cartman's arm and scrubbed as gently as he could with the wash cloth.  
Cartman's eyes were glued to the white soap invading his arm. Once his arm was cleaned, Kyle scrubbed his hand.  
Cartman was enjoying the pleasure of being gently scrubbed, he loved the way the soap formed on his arms and legs. The only time Kyle had scrubbed hard was on his chest and neck; which was where the stain was. It was uncomfortable, but it only lasted a few seconds before Kyle began scrubbing his back. When Kyle was done scrubbing his body Cartman took a handful of the foam from the soap and scrubbed his face in it as he stepped into the water. The warm water washed away all the foam of the soap from Cartman's body. He felt....clean. He felt pure, as cheesy as it was.   
Once the soap was all washed off, Kyle turned off the faucet. He grabbed a mini green towel, that hung from a small towel bar, and wrapped Cartman around it. He sighed in relief, "Finally clean."   
Cartman shrugged and looked down at his clothes, "What am I gonna wear?"  
Kyle smiled, "You'll see."

When they arrived to Kyle's room, Kyle sat Cartman on his bed as he dug from his   
drawer.   
"It's not much, but it's the best I could find." He pulled out a small long white shirt and blue boxers, they looked like they were handmade. But definitely not knitted.   
"Where'd you get this?" Cartman asked as he felt the shirt, it was soft for the most part.  
"My aunt used to make clothes for my brothers toys but he thought it was gay so she'd stopped."  
Cartman snickered. He put the blue boxers on, "Is your brother a trannie or something?"  
"Fuck off." He said as he watched Cartman slip on the white shirt. It reached his non existent knees and looked more like a dress rather than a shirt.  
Cartman looked down at the shirt with distaste, "Really? A fucking dress?" He huffed as he pulled up his shirt up to his torso and held it there. "Pigtails would be the fucking cherry to this cake."  
Kyle shrugged one shoulder as he grabbed a rubber band from his desk and handed it to Cartman, "You don't look half bad with pigtails."  
Cartman rolled his eyes as he tied the the shirt with the rubber band, "Ya know, I bet your hair is fucking gorgeous without that hat."  
"Fuck off."   
Cartman breathed out a sigh, "Well, if you'll excuse me i'm going to go to sleep." he climbed under the covers and rested his body on Kyle's white pillow.  
"You're going to sleep with me?"  
"Well yea, no shit, I'm not sleeping on a fucking alarm clock." He snuggled himself closer to the pillow as he closed his eyes, "That shit is bad for my back."  
"You slept in a box under wall covering for three decades."  
Cartman raised his arm in the air and flipped Kyle off before letting his arm collapse on the pillow and dozing off.

 


End file.
